Life is tough. No, that is an understatement; life is freaking tough.

I was born and raised in Harare, Zimbabwe and have been in this country my entire life. Second from a family of 3 girls, I was really fortunate to graduate with a bachelors degree from the University of Zimbabwe back in 2018. After getting my degree I had very high hopes. Thought I was going to start making bank, raking in money to live the lifestyle I also wanted and helping my sisters with school fees and all that. It turns out that I am the one who needed help.

Look, I am 27, unemployed, unmarried and living with my parents. I struggle to buy airtime and at one point I had to borrow money to go to a job interview. If you had told me my life would have been like this 10 years ago I would have laughed my face off at your sarcasm. I was too intelligent, driven and focused to have hit this low. My entire life, I have always been one of the smartest students in class. I was headgirl back in primary and in high school, not that this is an indicator of success but doesnt this show that I had it in me? I have collected something on each price giving day since grade 1 to upper 6 now I collect scraps. My parents feel pity for me, they wont tell me in my face that they are disappointed but its evident from the way they look at me.

Everyday…

My day starts at 7am. I wake, check my whatsapp messages and status; app bae and a few friends then check instagram to get inspirations (or jealousy) from former classmates living the flamboyant lifestyle. There is this chick that I “like”, she posts fancy food all the time (like all the time) yet she doesnt go to work. I wonder where she gets the money from. We were at the same high school, she was my junior and now she is ahead in life. Good for her. I know I shouldnt be feeling so jealousy but how can I not? My life is a mess.

I drag my feet to the kitchen and check whether there is water in the 20litre containers. There is no water so i have to go fetch water from the well. We havent had running water since 2005 and we rely on our well to get water. I go ahead to fill 5 containers with water till my back hurts. I ignore the pain and carried the containers back in the kitchen. Since we did the dishes the night before, it was easy grabbing one of the pots and quickly make tea. By the way, everyone baths with cold water to save gas and electricity, even in winter. My parents are the bread winners, both are teachers and they should be leaving for work shortly. My younger sister is in high school and my older sister is rewriting form 4, again. After breakfast, my parents go to work and I cannot stop to wonder how embarrassing it is to watch them go to work while I stay home doing chores. Its a low point in life, I did not wish for this, I do not deserve this so why? Why me? I am absorbed in my thoughts to the point that i dont even notice my sisters leaving for school. Noticing that I am alone, I break down and cry on the sofa holding a sweeping broom. After a good 10 minutes or more (I wasnt counting), I looked at 2 picture frames on the wall- one is my degree and the other is a picture with me, my parents and siblings on my graduation; the day I realised that life can be tough.

It’s now in the afternoon, bae and I fought again. We have been in a relationship for 2 years and he hasnt said anything about marriage, nothing. One of these days I am going to tell him that I am pregnant, how can I do wife responsibilities on girlfriend tender? He says life is tough for him too and he is not ready. Maybe he isnt but man I am getting old! Even kids are having babies and I am here getting old and wasting away. Judge me all you want, this is how I feel.

I cant stopĀ  to think of how I can make a living. How, if i get married, am I going to contribute. I did try to sell shoes that other time and it didnt work out. I worked for a year as a teacher at a local school earning just $35 per month until one day I just couldnt get up to go to work for peanuts. The place was so stressful and it wasnt worth it. A random thought came to me that suggested working as a sex worker but…. I dont know. I think I have a choice. I read a motivational quote that I saved about how we are at different chapters in life. Hope my time will come but if I had a choice, I would want my time to be now.

 

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